Clinton Island

By Mark Trapp
web posted January 15, 2001

A Bill Clinton TV show? I would never have believed it. Aside from the fact that the entire Clinton presidency has been a made-for-TV movie, I just didn't think that most people in America would be interested in watching Bill any more than they have had to for the past eight years. However, that was before I heard of Fox's new "reality-based" TV show, Temptation Island. I am now convinced that Clinton will have his own TV show, and this is it.

Fox describes their show in the following manner: "Four unmarried couples at a crossroads in their relationship and 26 singles that are looking for love travel to an exotic location to test the waters of temptation. The couples, who are willing to test their relationships, will be set up on a variety of dates with three of the singles that best reflect their ideal mate. After two weeks of exploring the single world again, the couples will have the opportunity to discover if they have found the perfect mate."

Enter Clinton. He and Hillary! are obviously "at a crossroads in their relationship." In addition, if anyone has shown that they are willing to "test their relationship" it is our Commander in Briefs and his power-hungry partner. Surely, the former President Clinton would be willing to "test the waters of temptation" for the sake of the continuing entertainment of the American people, whom he cares so much about. Indeed, Clinton meets every criterion that Fox has set out, except for the fact that technically, he is still "married," at least in the legal sense of the word. But that has never stopped him before.

Thus, I believe that this program is the perfect showcase for Clinton and his lack of morals. However, I'm not sure if the 26 singles, thirteen of whom I presume are female, will satisfy our lustful President for the entire two weeks. That isn't even one woman a day. We all know Clinton can handle much more than that. That is why I think the show's producers will, if they are smart, make Clinton the "Mr. Roarke" of Temptation Island. Remember that old Ricardo Montalban character from Fantasy Island-wouldn't Clinton be perfect for it?

Clinton can run the island, and be in charge of "initiating" all the interns - I mean guests - to the show and the island. And Al Gore can be Tattoo, his trusty sidekick. (Boss! de shame! de shame!) He already has all the ugly earth-tone suits he would need. Gore can also be in charge of the island's "Save the Dolphins" program, and organize the rescue efforts for the "Beached Whale episode" (No, I'm not referring to when Hillary! visits.) This would be perfect for sweeps week. Maybe Monica Lewinsky could even flash her thong in a guest appearance. Wouldn't it be fun? It really wouldn't be all that different from the past eight years, in which we have seen Clinton grope his way from one woman to the next, and at least we would be spared the spectacle of his lying about it.

Once this show takes off, Fox can run other "reality-based" programs, and the American people can be further edified by watching still more people give in to temptation. For instance, who wouldn't watch a show designed to see if a heterosexual man left on an island with only young attractive homosexual males there to seduce him wouldn't eventually give in to the love that dare not speak its name? Likewise, alcoholics can be stranded on Booze Island, where they can "test the (fire)waters of temptation." Another show can follow fat people and chronic dieters, tempting them with pork roasts and cheesecake. Those who are trying to quit smoking can be placed on Phillip Morris Island, where cigarettes grow on trees. The cameras will bring it all directly into our living rooms.

Of course, I am only kidding about all of this. This show should be an outrage to any American with a common sense of decency. Is nothing sacred anymore? Why can't someone make a show that is uplifting? One of the couples apparently had a child together-are ratings more important than a family? The saddest part of this is that any man or woman on Temptation Island who does not "test the waters of temptation" as Fox puts it, will likely be portrayed as some kind of hero. This for merely doing what they are supposed to do; that is, remain faithful to their partner and their commitments. How sick.

If this show proves to be a success, how long before Fox airs a new "Candid Camera," one in which married individuals are enticed by paid actors and actresses to see if they will remain true to their marriage vows? Entertainment should not be this detrimental to society. And yet, there are those who still wonder what has gone wrong in our country. The mere fact that there will likely be a substantial audience for this program demonstrates precisely what has gone wrong -- there is today a lack of respect for even the most basic institutions of society. When immorality becomes sport, something has gone seriously wrong.

Fox bills Temptation Island as "The next wave of reality television." This may be the wave that sinks us. It would only be appropriate that Bill Clinton be a part of it -- he has been the poster child for how to dishonor one's commitments for his entire adult life, and he happens to know a thing or two about temptation. With Clinton leading the way, the ratings will go through the roof, just like they did during his impeachment.

Come to think of it, Temptation Island won't really be that different from the past eight years. For, whatever else may be said about the Clinton presidency, it has gotten great ratings-and isn't that all that matters? ESR

Mark Trapp is a regular contributor to Enter Stage Right.

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