PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy
believe in increasing a tolerance for a diversity of cultures,
race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness
is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees
with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: Why should I be PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC
offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils
of centuries of oppression.
Q: I am a white male. Can I still be PC?
Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically
every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats.
That means that you are partially responsible for these atrocities.
Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of
those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: You mean I should guard against offending anyone?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's "Imagine".
Q: How else can I be PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when
you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate
all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper,
blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been
tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water;
when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't
let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better
yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And
by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of
Canada/America, your living in God's country.
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part!
Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC
musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal
was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that.
And don't ever eat meat.
Q: Don't eat meat? Why not?
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have
rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
Q: So all killing is bad?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian
Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when
Q: How do I know when an animal has rights?
The general rule is as follows:
If an animal is rate, pretty, big, cute, furry, huggable, or lovable,
then it has rights.
Examine the following chart:
dolphins in tuna nets
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are
what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual
identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National
Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes.
After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.
Q: I'm not sure about all of this.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. You
are right. It's that simple. You are right.
Q: How do I know if an action is un-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The
guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes - The liberal
is right. No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor
Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University
Carribean Society shut-down are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you
can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they
can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: What should I do if I see someone do something non-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority,
by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge.
If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the
90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender
Q: But isn't that censorship?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it
censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something
negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say,
punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I've heard a lot about PC words to replace "Black." "Indian,"
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think
about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take
"black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color
of their skin?
Q: You mean they should rather be judged by the content of their character?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If
your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you
should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I'm a mixture of French, German, English, and Russian. Can I get one?
No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are
a women ...oops... womyn, there should be plenty.
Q Hey, wouldn't a white person from Libya or Egypt technically be an African-Canadian/American?
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-Canadian/American
we mean. That is, we're really talking about skin color, but
we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African
immigrant is not an African-Canadian/American or either.
Q: How can I learn to make my language more politically correct?
For more help, see the PC Lexicon at the end of the this article.
Q: I'd like my child to be PC. Wht can I do?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer
their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western
perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes
to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I don't get it.
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented
minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards
of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This
is unfair and wrong.
Q: Is it?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been
benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to
fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I guess that sounds right.
It is right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: What else do I have to be careful of?
Humor. PC people take every comment very seriously. We will not
accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could
be a racial slur.
Q: Give me an example.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor
for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot
calling the kettle African-Canadian/American." Any racial jokes or
jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this
mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you
pay for social equality.
Q: Is that all there is to it?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people
differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon...
Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.
A PC Lexicon
Note: Does not include Libyans, Egyptions, white South Africans. Does
include people with dark skin regardless of where they are from or
where they live.
Note: Not considered "real" minorities since they tend to
Note: The following teams are not PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians,
Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins
Note: The following are not PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man
episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales
WASP (White Male)
Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
avoid the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)
Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Law Enforcement Officer
(Teen Victim. See "Broken Home")