I want to run for president too! My new name: Zacharias Abu-Musab Ali-Baba bin-Ahmadinejad
By Christian Hartsock
I guess all it takes is good looks, two years in the senate and a gooey, pretentious, prolonged paraphrase of John Lennon's song "Imagine" in the form of a keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention to be qualified to run for president now. Interesting. Just two years ago it took thirty years of living off rich women's inheritances, spending four months in Vietnam (four months spent bitching and whining about needing three Purple Hearts over a mosquito bite) and obsessively mentioning those four months of heroic service every time the subject of health care was brought up.
But is that all? Perhaps if Richard Nixon had just changed his name to "Nikita Castro" by 1960, all that manifest insecurity in his September 26 debate with John F. Kennedy would have been immaterial and it would have been as if that damn knee injury never occurred. (Oh, and a mushroom cloud would have hovered over North Vietnam for three days the following year and there would have been no subsequent need to have to sit through Easy Rider.)
As it's always my duty to keep an eye on my own generation, I couldn't help but notice some wide-eyed teenybopper who had created a profile in support of Barack Hussein Obama's prospective presidential candidacy on Facebook – an internet haven like the popular MySpace where cleavage-flaunting bobbysoxers and middle-aged Budweiser-belly pedophiles get to meet and talk about puppy dogs and ice cream without the NSA intruding.
The "Description" of the Facebook group reads: "Conscious, intelligent, compassionate, articulate, charismatic, multicultural. You know you like him. You know we need somebody in the Oval Office whose name strinkingly resembles the country's two worst enemies. Vote for the black JFK in 2008." One enlightened Washington State University student wrote in: "not that i'm not proud to be an american, but if he got elected, i would actually think our country has a chance...and the fact that his name calls to attention saddam and osama is almost poetic."
Oh yes, how "poetic": To carry on the names of a deposed, genocidal serial rapist and the innovative mastermind behind those little flaming Eichmanns jumping a hundred stories to their humiliating, blood-spattered deaths just a few Septembers ago. How iconic. I suppose that's what we've been missing all these years. Someone who would make us have to listen to sound bites of a stumbling, mumbling, whiskey-satiated Ted Kennedy reminding us of that annoying has-been – who now lives off making sporadic cameos on al-Jazeera for a few easy bucks and is best known for having been responsible for the equivalent of some 3,000 Mary Jo Kopechnes – every time he mentions some fresh, young rising star who was somehow more qualified for an Illinois senate seat than Alan Keyes.
I'm so pleased to see where the political priorities of my fellow twentysomethings are! Liberals were fumingly jealous that some former Georgia senator from their own party had to make the most powerful speech of anyone since Ronald Reagan at the 2004 Republican National Convention, thereby stealing the thunder of Barack Who? after he had pulled off that Oscar-worthy performance on stage in Boston the month before, so they fixatedly drowned out the laudatory hysteria over Zell Miller's "spitballs" quip with their orgasmic exaltations over the groundbreaking rhetoric of this new kid from Hawaii (a place liberals condescendingly accused Dick Cheney of being "desperate" enough to bother campaigning in). Yes, indeed it was the first time things like, "We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America," had ever been said (that is if you don't count every publicity sheet tagline and every trailer narration script for every Hollywood World War II movie that has ever come out in the past decade).
I'm in. Who cares about seeing two fully-served gubernatorial terms on a presidential hopeful's resume? Who even cares about a full term in the senate? Since when is a comprehensive track record a necessity for being trusted in the highest office of the land? Did we not politely support John Roberts when President Bush gave us a "trust me" wink of assurance after the always-anticipated once-in-a-decade event of a liberal Supreme Court justice announcing their retirement? Let's give this kid a shot! He may not have much experience, but within the evanescent period of time he's thus far spent in the spotlight, he's managed to author two wonderful books – the first one having apparently been inspired by Tim Russert, the second one having been given the sincerely non-cheesey title, The Audacity of Hope. His next book has been announced and it will be a children's book coauthored with his wife Michelle and their two young daughters. I'm guessing it's a follow-up to Hillary Clinton's children's book It Takes a Village. I've got a killer idea for a title: It Takes a Name Like Barack Hussein Obama.
Christian Hartsock, 20, is a filmmaker, political columnist and author known most for his unflinching, unapologetic and bitingly sarcastic observations on sociopolitical and international affairs and pop culture, all made from the frontlines of the Left Coast. His columns have been routinely run in several political websites and publications and he is an affiliate of MoveOff.net. Christian is the author of the book, In the Name of "Progress": The Liberalization of Christianity. He is the writer, director and producer of a political documentary, Separation, a short film, The Life and Love of Monte Callaghan, and is currently at work on a feature film that he wrote and is directing called The Ministry of Absence You can visit his website at www.ChristianHartsock.com as well as his MySpace page. Contact Chris at ChrisHartsock86@aol.com.