Send America's kids to Cuba!

By Joe Schembrie
web posted April 24, 2000

"Okay, kids, where do you want to go for vacation?"

"CUUUU-BAAAA!!"

You won't hear this dialogue among American families any time soon, despite all the liberal-media gushing over Cuba. Cuba, we think, is wonderful for Elian - but we're not sending our own precious brood.

Yet social conservatives might well want to contemplate doing just that.

Conservatives, for example, complain about the Slacker Generation's loss of work ethic. A sojourn in Cuba would certainly cure American teens of such laziness. In solidarity with Cuban youth, they could be separated from their families at age eleven to perform backbreaking labor, dawn to dusk, in sugar cane and tobacco fields until age eighteen.

Their wage will be fifty cents a day. Now, if that won't teach American kids the value of a dollar, then what will?

I'm being serious here. Exporting America's kids to Cuba isn't some Swiftian 'Modest Proposal' satire that could never happen. Castro wouldn't scoff - his sinking economy (where 'Universal Health Care' means sharing the same thermometer) could use the infusion of involuntary manual labor provided by millions of American teenagers. And American kids could surely use the exercise!

But that's only the beginning of the social and psychological benefits that will accrue to American children by spending their most troublesome years under Castro's babysitting.

Oddly, while liberals have frequently noted that the six-year-old homocide-perpetration rate is infinitely lower in Cuba (zero versus .00001% for America), they have failed to mention the many other ways that Cuba is a much safer place to live. For instance, your child in Cuba is far less likely to end up squashed to death by faulty air bags (a consequence of having fewer cars, perhaps). With machine-gun-equipped guards patrolling every street corner, your child in Cuba will encounter virtually no crime or illegal drug use. And thanks to the involuntary quarantine of HIV carriers into concentration camps, the AIDS transmission rate in Cuba is negligible!

Isn't this exactly the kind of safe environment that every American parent wishes for their little Johnny and Mary? It's surprising that liberals never mention these attributes!

Liberals also omit mention of Cuba's wholesome moral censorship, the envy of small-town Middle America. In Cuba, your children won't be encouraged to mimic the jailbait sexuality of Britney Spears. Any delinquents lugging around a boom box bellowing out rapper lyrics advocating that police officers should be murdered will themselves be promptly executed. And no mega-mass-marketing hype machine will be allowed to persuade your teenage son -- against logic and hormones -- that Madonna is still hot.

True, Cuban schools will indoctrinate your children against capitalism - but how is that different from American public schools? At least in Cuba, your daughters won't be brainwashed by radical feminists into hating men, and your sons won't be brainwashed by radical environmentalists into hating their own species. In Cuba, your kids won't be taught that homosexuality is natural but family roles are artificial.

Teacher unions may have reduced the American public education system to mindless grunting, but in Cuba, once your child is taught to properly speak Spanish, he'll then be taught to speak proper English - an opportunity that might never be offered to him in an American public school. Your child will also be taught to read and write, add and subtract - subjects that American public school teachers regard as beneath their contempt (and above their competence).

And instead of going on illegal strike every year, Cuban teachers will eagerly work for pocket change. Our kids will get a superior education - and America will save billions of education dollars!

So, seriously, let's take the liberal ravings to heart, and send all our kids to Cuba. They'll learn important life lessons about hard work and discipline. They'll be much safer than they would be under America's liberal law-enforcement system, they'll be spared the depravity of America's liberal entertainment media, and they'll receive less political indoctrination and more real education than they'd experience in America's liberal public schools.

Sure, Cuba is communist - but at least it's not liberal! Unless your child is destined to drop out of high school and immediately start up a successful dot-com, he'll be far better off spending his teen years in Castro's Cuba than in Klintongore's Amerika.

Still not convinced? Then consider this:

After a few years in Cuba, when your kid returns home to America, he'll kiss the ground and hug the flag. He'll appreciate his parents as generous and fair, and he'll embrace religious faith with a deep and abiding spiritual thirst. And he'll never grow up to become a whining liberal who takes his country's freedom and prosperity for granted.

So, for the sake of their outlook on life, it wouldn't hurt to send America's kids to Cuba.

It might not hurt to send a few adults, too.

Joe Schembrie is a senior writer for Enter Stage Right.

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