Dear John Rocker...
By Joe Roessler
web
posted June 12, 2000
Dear John Rocker,
I don't condone what you said in the Sports Illustrated interview last year. However I am in need of a job and I would like to apply to be your publicist once you return to the majors. My resume includes writing columns for two Internet political journals. I am the author of "The Liberal Dictionary" published by a now defunct Internet magazine. I do not proclaim to be an expert in politically correct words but I believe I know enough to assist you. After you hire me and learn what to say, the mainstream press may start liking you.
For example when you said "Stupid bitch! Learn to f---ing drive!"
Women are very sensitive to any stereotyping them as bad drivers. You
should have addressed your anger towards bald men. You should have yelled,
"Stupid bald headed f-----r, wear a hat!" "I was blinded
by the glare from your head." You see John, there is nothing wrong
with attacking bald people. Even a president of a hair transplant company
is a client as well. All bald guys are ashamed of their chrome dome and
will do anything to look like news reporters, movie or TV stars and athletes!
How many attractive women like to date bald guys? See my point? The press
will give you a free pass when it comes to downgrading bald men.
In 10 minutes he is due to speak at Lockhart Academy, a school for
learning-disabled children. Does Rocker enjoy speaking to children? "No,"
he says, "not really."
When you said this John, you should have made a case to keep abortion
legal. Then the mainstream press will consider you an intellectual with
consciousness when it comes to a woman's right to choose. You might throw
in something about euthanasia too! Then you will be considered the smartest
athlete ever to live!
"They turn from the wrong lane. They go 20 miles per hour. It
makes me want -- Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese
woman." A beige Toyota is jerking from lane to lane. The woman at
the wheel is white. "How bad are Asian women at driving?"
Now John they didn't seem too upset about this comment, except for the
part when you talked about Asian women being bad drivers. There isn't
anything wrong with bashing Japanese. After all they attacked Pearl Harbor
and almost destroyed the American auto industry. Why Kristi Yamaguchi
couldn't even get a decent endorsement contract because she was of Japanese
descent. You should stuck with Japanese bashing.
"On ever playing for a New York team: "I would retire first.
It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number]
7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next
to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to
some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some
20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."
John, you should have taken a lesson from Dennis Rodman and Brian Williams
when they played for the Chicago Bulls against the Utah Jazz in 1997.
They both knocked the Mormon influence and conservative lifestyle of Salt
Lake City. Williams even made fun of the white waiter that served him
in the restaurant he was at. People in Salt Lake were offended by their
comments but it never reached the mainstream media because its cool to
knock religion and people's lifestyle based on it. So you should have
said it like this
"On ever playing for a New York team: "I would retire first.
It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number]
7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] the Vatican
or Salt Lake City next to some whacked out Christian broad reading the
bible next to a Catholic priest whose probably molested dozens of altar
boys some homophobic Baptist minister to some dude who wears a cross around
his neck right next to some 20-year-old Mormon or Catholic girl with four
kids. It's depressing." Remember John, knock religion. Look what
it did to Jesse Ventura! The mainstream guys will really like you and
no matter how ignorant it may sound, you will be considered an intellectual.
Secular humanism, good! Organized religion, bad!
On New York City itself: "The biggest thing I don't like about
New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. You
can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking
English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and
Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this
country?"
You really blew it here. You should have knocked Rudolph Giuliani and
praised Hillary Clinton. That would have put you in the same category
of the New York elite. Also make a comment about New York's tough gun
controls laws. And point out that these foreigners who are "people
of color" are victims of gun crime as well. You don't need any evidence,
just do what the mainstream boys do. Quote meaningless statistics such
as 12 children die a day from gun violence and then make up some number
that so many out of the 12 are minorities. You don't need to provide evidence,
they'll buy it! Just read the paper or watch the evening news.
In passing, he calls an overweight black teammate "a fat monkey."
You should have made a point here that your African-American teammate
is addicted to McDonald's or Pizza Hut. He is a victim of a corporate
greed. Lead into a speech on how the government should sue the fast food
industry for making people like your teammate fat. It isn't his fault
that he is a bit overweight. The blame lies in the fast food industry.
They will love you on that and who knows? You may get a phone call from
the White House and the president may want you to be a spokesperson for
his diet and nutrition guidelines.
Asked if he feels any bond with New York Knicks guard Latrell Sprewell,
notorious for choking coach P.J. Carlesimo two years ago, Rocker lets
out a snarl of disgust. "That guy should've been arrested, and instead
he's playing basketball," he says. "Why do you think that is?
Do you think if he was Keith Van Horn -- if he was white -- they'd let
him back? No way."
Now John, people, especially those with the liberal point of view doesn't
like to hear the truth. They will tell you that there are no black racists
because Spike Lee says so. Make a point that you heard rumors that P.J.
Carlesimo hung a Confederate battle flag in his office. So therefore he
deserved to be choked. Look at the difference between Rodney King and
Reginald Denny. They will tell you that Reginald deserved to have a brick
thrown at his head at the beginning of the 1992 Los Angeles riots. After
all it was years of white racism that caused it. So Reginald too is a
victim of white racism! So in this case both Latrell and Coach Carlesimo
is a victim of white racism. Also point out that Keith Van Horn played
for the University of Utah where there are a lot of Mormons. Whether Keith
is one or not does matter. He's guilty by affiliation.
Rocker is rarely tongue-tied when it comes to bashing those of a race
or sexual orientation different from his. "I'm not a racist or prejudiced
person," he says with apparent conviction. "But certain people
bother me."
Now remember, next time John when you are interviewed by someone from
the mainstream media, you dare not mention race, gender, sexual orientation
or secular humanism unless it is in some form of praise. However you can
knock religion (Christian beliefs only). Make fun of Catholic priests
and nuns, put down conservatives, talk about how fat Rush Limbaugh is,
monogamist couples are morons, the institution of marriage is a joke,
fathers who don't sleep with their daughters are dysfunctional and adultery
is OK as long as its between two consenting adults. Having those beliefs
should get you on the right track with the mainstream press.
So John, will you hire me? If you do, just follow what I said and if
someone points out that you are a bigot in your thoughts, just point to
me! I am bald, have a slight pot belly because of my age, half-white and
half-Japanese, practicing Catholic, lived in Utah, married to one woman
for over 18 years, father of two children, a Navy veteran and I speak
Japanese as well. I'm a conservative but can sound like a liberal. So
what do you think? Am I hired? 
Joe Roessler is a regular contributor to Enter Stage Right.
