don't live in the energy-crunched state of California -- thank you, God
-- but if I did, I'd certainly be grateful to Queen Barbra Streisand for
the helpful conservation hints she recently published in an article on
her web site. What would happen to the state of California without Barbra
there to lead and guide the foolish peasants, I shudder to think.
"We must make concrete changes in our lifestyles to help solve this
energy crisis and now is the time to do it," Barbra writes in her
bossy way. "We cannot afford to downplay the importance of conservation."
Spoken like a true Hollywood limousine liberal, like an arrogant thirteenth-century
monarch addressing a fiefdom of serfs that are just not quite measuring
up to their ruler's high standards. The first thing so many of us here
in flyover country (blessedly far away from the ministrations of the queen)
would like to know is this: how does Barbra Streisand intend to change
her lifestyle to accommodate the California energy crisis?
For instance, in her article, Barbra offers some helpful energy-conservation
hints such as "turn off appliances and lights when they are not in
use." Other than being utterly wowed by the sheer genius of this
suggestion (if I didn't already know that her maiden name was Streisand,
I would have sworn that it was Einstein), one has to wonder how Barbra
accomplishes this small task. Have you ever seen this woman's fingernails?
They are at a length formerly reserved only for Chinese emperors of ancient
dynasties who grew their nails long as a regal sign that they didn't do
any manual labor. So when Barbra moves from room to room in her castle,
does she stoop over and turn off the switches with her chin, or what?
Maybe she employs an immigrant from Mexico to trot around in her wake
all day, flipping the lights on and off.
Another household hint from Barbra suggests that people use clotheslines
to dry the laundry instead of kilowatt-sucking clothes dryers. Amazingly
enough, some of us have been doing that for years. Call me unimaginative,
but I just have a hard time picturing Barbra, some old-fashioned clothespins
tucked into her cleavage, out there on the professionally manicured back
lawn of her estate, hanging out the wash. As I mentioned before, fingernails
like that don't adapt well to domestic labor -- although I do admit that
they could come in rather handy in stirring a pot of soup.
So where are the changes going to come in the Streisand/Brolin menage?
It would have been more meaningful to me -- and heaven knows I am constantly
searching for "meaning" in our politically correct and morally
bankrupt culture -- if she would have written "here is a list of
the things James and I are doing to conserve energy in our household."
I don't see that as being forthcoming, since Barbra Streisand is well
known for being a privileged and pampered soul who, among other obnoxious
and spoiled requests, demands that rose petals be floated in the toilet
of her private dressing room at concert venues. And no, for those of you
who are suspicious of my sense of humor, that was NOT a joke. Even her
body waste is too pretty and too sacred to mingle with the profane urine
produced by the likes of you or I.
You know, that's really what chaps my hide the most about limousine liberals.
They place themselves on a level far, far above us ordinary folk groveling
in the dirt and assume that we are all morons, as if all across the Golden
State there are blenders and toaster ovens plugged in and turned on and
left to run aimlessly twenty-four hours a day. As if refrigerator doors
are left gaping open to cool down the kitchen. As if people are mindlessly
heating their swimming pools to just below the boiling point. Does she
really think that there are people who don't know that turning the lights
off helps save energy?
Maybe she does know, but is hoping to cash in on California's energy woes
by singing a re-make of an old song:
who uuuuse cloootheslines.....
are the luuuuckiest peeepul in the wuuuuuurld!