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Queen Barbra addresses the serfs

By Shelley McKinney
web posted June 25, 2001

Barbra StreisandI don't live in the energy-crunched state of California -- thank you, God -- but if I did, I'd certainly be grateful to Queen Barbra Streisand for the helpful conservation hints she recently published in an article on her web site. What would happen to the state of California without Barbra there to lead and guide the foolish peasants, I shudder to think.

"We must make concrete changes in our lifestyles to help solve this energy crisis and now is the time to do it," Barbra writes in her bossy way. "We cannot afford to downplay the importance of conservation."

Spoken like a true Hollywood limousine liberal, like an arrogant thirteenth-century monarch addressing a fiefdom of serfs that are just not quite measuring up to their ruler's high standards. The first thing so many of us here in flyover country (blessedly far away from the ministrations of the queen) would like to know is this: how does Barbra Streisand intend to change her lifestyle to accommodate the California energy crisis?

For instance, in her article, Barbra offers some helpful energy-conservation hints such as "turn off appliances and lights when they are not in use." Other than being utterly wowed by the sheer genius of this suggestion (if I didn't already know that her maiden name was Streisand, I would have sworn that it was Einstein), one has to wonder how Barbra accomplishes this small task. Have you ever seen this woman's fingernails? They are at a length formerly reserved only for Chinese emperors of ancient dynasties who grew their nails long as a regal sign that they didn't do any manual labor. So when Barbra moves from room to room in her castle, does she stoop over and turn off the switches with her chin, or what? Maybe she employs an immigrant from Mexico to trot around in her wake all day, flipping the lights on and off.

Another household hint from Barbra suggests that people use clotheslines to dry the laundry instead of kilowatt-sucking clothes dryers. Amazingly enough, some of us have been doing that for years. Call me unimaginative, but I just have a hard time picturing Barbra, some old-fashioned clothespins tucked into her cleavage, out there on the professionally manicured back lawn of her estate, hanging out the wash. As I mentioned before, fingernails like that don't adapt well to domestic labor -- although I do admit that they could come in rather handy in stirring a pot of soup.

So where are the changes going to come in the Streisand/Brolin menage? It would have been more meaningful to me -- and heaven knows I am constantly searching for "meaning" in our politically correct and morally bankrupt culture -- if she would have written "here is a list of the things James and I are doing to conserve energy in our household." I don't see that as being forthcoming, since Barbra Streisand is well known for being a privileged and pampered soul who, among other obnoxious and spoiled requests, demands that rose petals be floated in the toilet of her private dressing room at concert venues. And no, for those of you who are suspicious of my sense of humor, that was NOT a joke. Even her body waste is too pretty and too sacred to mingle with the profane urine produced by the likes of you or I.

You know, that's really what chaps my hide the most about limousine liberals. They place themselves on a level far, far above us ordinary folk groveling in the dirt and assume that we are all morons, as if all across the Golden State there are blenders and toaster ovens plugged in and turned on and left to run aimlessly twenty-four hours a day. As if refrigerator doors are left gaping open to cool down the kitchen. As if people are mindlessly heating their swimming pools to just below the boiling point. Does she really think that there are people who don't know that turning the lights off helps save energy?

Maybe she does know, but is hoping to cash in on California's energy woes by singing a re-make of an old song:

who uuuuse cloootheslines.....
are the luuuuckiest peeepul in the wuuuuuurld!

Oy. From my lips to God's ear, let it not be so.

Shelley McKinney is a senior writer for Enter Stage Right. Readers can reach her at smckinney@enterstageright.com

Other related articles: (open in a new window)

  • Greens say "Turn off your lights" by Alan Caruba (June 18, 2001)
    Alan Caruba responds to a campaign launched by environmentalists urging you to shut off your lights this June 21
  • Kalifornia's Fascists By Alan Caruba (May 21, 2001)
    Alan Caruba blasts a "suggestion" that California seize privately owned power plants and praises the Bush energy plan

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