The 9/11 Report: Fluff and nonsense or Garden of Eden?

By Marcus J. Goldman
web posted July 5, 2004
 
I sleep poorly at night. Soon, however, that giant sleeping pill,
the 9/11 report, will be available for ingestion. Thank goodness!
The theatrical release of this vital work of non-fiction, as highly
anticipated and accurate as its sister document, Farenheit-9/11,
will signal the end of the fun: calling reluctant witnesses,
lambasting the well intentioned and harpooning technocrats,
bureaucrats and other assorted types. This living, breathing
document will contain a veritable Garden of Eden of do's and
don'ts, rights and wrongs. Who cares what's been buried deep
within the report's bowels or omitted entirely? The report could
not come at a better time-just before a virulently divisive national
election. Certainly, the document could be purposefully designed
to be fluff and nonsense.

Ultimately though, we will learn what we, the United States, did
to deserve the attacks, which politicians were responsible, what
we can do to prevent so many people from being so darned
angry with us and why, on 9/11, my house painter's 20 year old
nephew was incinerated as he was slammed in to a building.
Fortunately, as a psychiatrist, I received an advanced glimpse
into the commission's final lunacy:
 
1) We, the commission, feel really badly about 9/11. Really.
 
2) We would like to first blame Osama bin Laden for his
complicity in these horrific events. However, since he lives in a
cave, he cannot be held responsible for the actions of others. To
that end, we have found guilt elsewhere.
 
3) The al-Qaida network of terror (such a title is offensive to all
the other terrorists who did not target us on that day, so we will
refer to al-Qaida as "specific people of terror") cannot be held
responsible. Like all "people of terror" they must have had their
reasons. Quite frankly, we are unable to pronounce any of their
names. We blame fate.
 
4) Many have blamed radical Islam for the 9/11's evil. We must
point out, however, that Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, Zionists,
Israelis, the American people and assorted other minorities have
traditionally been blamed for the evils of the world. The world
seems comfortable with that so why change it?
 
5) We would like to bring up the Church commission's findings in
the late 1970's with the resultant harnessing of the of the Central
Intelligence Agency. But that would deflect attention away from
Osama bin Laden and "people of terror", who cannot be held
responsible anyway because they live in caves and have
unpronounceable names.
 
6) We feel compelled to answer questions about Jamie
Gorelick's role in events leading up to 9/11. But quite frankly, we
are frightened of her. She has built an emotional wall between
herself and the rest of the commission members and cannot be
reached.
 
7) Former President Clinton has been accused of inaction on the
terror front during his tenure. However, in our 957 page report,
corroborating sources placed George Bush's operatives on the
hijacked planes. It has been learned that the president, although
managing poorly with his own language, can speak bits of
Arabic! Mr. Bush has been know to utter the phrase "falafel" on
occasion. He was also a pilot in the National Guard. On the
other hand, an anonymous but credible e-mailer told us that Mr.
Bush was responsible for placing explosives in the garages of the
World Trade Center on 9/11. It is probably not true but we felt
compelled to put it in the final draft for the sake of diversity of
opinion.
 
8) Prior to 9/11, Mr. Bush was seen taking photographs of the
World Trade Center but sources confirm that he was scouting
out parachute jump sights for his dad. We put this in the report
because it is cool.
 
9) We cast blame at both the CIA and the FBI because it is the
hip thing to do and because everyone expects it.
 
11) Some of us think that the Pentagon was targeted due to the
"Pent"-up anger of others. As the symbol of American power
and one of the largest office buildings in the world, it was sort of
asking for it.
 
12) We deemed the emergency response to this unprecedented,
unimaginable, never before witnessed catastrophe...to be poor.
So, emergency medical technicians, the police, firefighters,
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, New York Governor
George Pataki and whoever the Governor of Pennsylvania was
at the time, should be admonished (regardless, the guy who put
his field in the path of the plane should take some responsibility).
If there was a Mayor of the District of Columbia, we think he,
too, should shoulder some of the blame.
 
13) Finally, regarding the deterrence of future attacks. Here is
our recommendation: prevention of another terror attack should
be strongly encouraged and stuff.
 
Wow! The report goes on to say that the commission members
incompetently hold themselves irresponsible for any role in these
attacks, take no responsibility for their pointless tirades and
demand immunity from any sort of prosecution. Some of them
are partisan lawyers I guess. Well, I must admit, I am a bit
surprised with the commission's findings. Who knew that
President George H.W. Bush wanted to parachute off the World
Trade Center?
  
Marcus J. Goldman, MD is a psychiatrist and author of "The Joy
of Fatherhood". His work has appeared in The Washington
Times, Tech Central Station and The Boston Herald. Dr.
Goldman is a Guest Writer for The Daily Cannon,
OpinionEditorials.com, PoliticalUSA, NewsWithViews.com and
WebCommentary.

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