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An open letter to Maureen Dowd

By J. Matt Barber
web posted November 15, 2004

Dearest Elite and Most Enlightened Maureen:

Ours is a Nation wherein we are the drooling, Neanderthal, war-mongering Red-Staters. You are the freethinking, lucid, peace-loving Blue-Staters. We are the toothless, barefoot, OshKosh B'Gosh Conservatives. You are the handsome, well-cultured, stylish Liberals. We are the hate-filled, dogmatic, fanatical Christians. You are the tolerant, agnostic, atheist, new age, pantheist, moral relativist…whatever…(man that's a mouth full! Pick one will ya!?). These are the "truths" you hold to be self-evident - that not all Americans are created equal.

But alas - woe, so very woe are we. There's a rift in the time/space continuum. Our respective worlds have been turned upside down! Red Staters are troubled and confused! We're concerned for both ourselves, and for you disenfranchised Blue-Staters. Our anxiety to wit: Your formerly pithy column has of late, betrayed your complete loss of control and forecasts your looming political self-destruction. As Document Daddy Dan Rather might have put it - you're madder than a rattlesnake in a juggling contest. How can we help? What can we do? Maureen, your apoplectic … inhale … breathe… think happy thoughts … happy thoughts!

We Red-Staters are fearful! We're under attack! Hate speech fills the airwaves and print-press. Intolerance rules the day, and bigoted, mean-spirited Christophopia threatens to demean - to cause irreparable injury to Red-Stater self-esteem across this great (very red) God-blessed Nation. It appears that, as the tide shifts in America's culture war, you and your ilk are prepared to escalate the conflict - to declare civil war - to take up arms…(well, maybe not that…you would have to touch a gun and betray your pacifists creed to war against our "Christian Jihad." In so doing, you would be no better than our evil President, who so enjoys killing those peace-loving Muslim fundamentalists). But nonetheless…where's the open-mindedness Maureen? - The love? Where, oh where have all the Liberal warm-fuzzies gone?

In truth, Red Staters only have your best in mind. As you continue, fueled by venomous blind rage and a misguided worldview, to insult the people who were responsible for rewarding George W. Bush with four more years in the Whitehouse, and who further fortified Republican control of congress, consider this: The more you attack us; the more you condescend and refuse to hear us - the more you embolden and galvanize us, further propelling both you and your failed ideology into the abyss of obsolescence.

As you may be aware, there are those, such as your good friend Lawrence (creepy liar) O'Donnell, who are calling for Blue-State secession. In light of the, shall we say, more effeminate qualities of Blue-Staters, I think we will all agree that an armed insurrection will not be forthcoming and hence, neither will there be secession. This notwithstanding, there are other Blue-Staters who sit with you on the far fringe of leftdom, contemplating defection to Canada. To you, and to all utterly distraught lefties who are considering the move to our wonderfully "progressive" playground to the North, we Red-Staters offer one final bit of modest advise: On your way out…Don't let the door hit-ya where the good Lord split-ya.

Sincerely,

The Red States

J. Matt Barber is a non-practicing attorney, an undefeated heavyweight professional boxer (Matt "Bam Bam" Barber), and a jazz drummer in the Chicago (IL) Land area. In addition to his Law Degree, Barber holds a Master of Arts in Public Policy from Regent University (Virginia Beach, VA). Matt is a Contributor to the Washington Times "Insight Magazine," and a Columnist and Contributing Editor for TheConservativeVoice.com e-news publication. E-mail your comments to Matt, at jmattbarber@comcast.net. Copyright © 2004 by J. Matt Barber

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