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Those wild and crazy Democrats

By Phillip J. Hubbell
web posted December 22, 2003

Bigfoot: An October surprise the Republicans are saving for the right moment
Bigfoot: An October surprise the Republicans are saving for the right moment

Psst! It is rumored that the Republicans have been hiding Amelia Earhart for all these many years and plan to produce her at just the right moment before November 2004, to help ensure that George W. Bush wins re-election. Then they will bring Osama bin Laden out from his hiding place in the Florida Governor's Mansion, trot out the Yeti and Bigfoot, announce the existence of aliens in the State Department and finally admit that Elvis is living in the basement of the White House. All the Democratic Party presidential candidates plan to hold press conferences to say, "We knew it all along."

Can black helicopters disfiguring the nation's dairy cows be far behind? Probably owned by Halliburton and piloted by Dick Cheney clones.

Recent revelations by Democrat Representative Jim McDermott of Washington that Saddam Hussein's whereabouts were known by the President and the statement by former Secretary of State Madeline Albright that the administration is keeping Osama under wraps for political purposes [Albright has since declared her comments to have been a joke – ed.] have revealed for the first time stark evidence the Democrat rank and file will indeed believe anything. The first clue should have been the appearance of Al Sharpton in the debates as a "presidential" candidate. The Republican National Committee should act now to send each voting Democrat an email promising to deposit millions of dollars into their banks if they will just email in their account numbers. ‘For Sale' signs should go up all over America on national landmarks, public buildings and the Brooklyn Bridge. The windfall for the vast right wing conspiracy should run into the billions of dollars. Gillette promises a five-bladed disposable razor by year's end.

What is there to say? How do you respond when the loyal opposition to the party in power goes collectively loopy? How can the Republicans and conservatives hope to have a debate with people who think that the President of the United States is a bigger threat to world peace than terrorists who blow up little kids? Is there any journalist who can ever again interview Ms. Albright without bursting into laughter? The evening news anchors need a new segment called Cockamamie Story of the Day just to keep up with the revelations coming out of Democratic circles. (Crop circles apparently.) Maybe the Democrats should seriously consider changing the name of their organization to "The Silly Party" or "The Party of Funny Walks."

We face an election year in 2004 and it should be a really fun one. Not only do we get to watch as the Democrats implode by nominating Howard the Dean, we get to enjoy all this collateral humor as well. The media viewing public has an opportunity to witness a 50 state landslide in favor of the incumbent President not because of his policies or the state of the economy, or even because of the vote buying prescription drug bill….but because the Democratic Party has gone loony and can't be trusted to cross a street unassisted, let alone govern the free world. It is being said that even the French may endorse President Bush to avoid the appearance of being nuts as well as arrogant and on the wrong side of history.

Joseph Lieberman should seriously consider changing his slogan from "I knew Al Gore when he was a moderate" to "the sane one." A lot of the pundits are saying that the Democrats are merely desperate because they think President Bush stole the last election. To get back at him it appears they intend to give him the next one gift-wrapped. The Democrats are fond of ignoring the part of the Constitution that includes the Electoral College and the recounts done by countless media agencies showing that Bush indeed carried Florida. If they would show the same disregard for fantasy as they do for the reality of the last election perhaps they could be taken seriously by people other than the lunatic fringe of the political left and the British tabloids. The self-destruction of the political party that gave us FDR and JFK is kind of sad until one remembers they also produced George McGovern and Michael Dukakus as contenders for the presidency.

Phillip J. Hubbell is a Dallas area columnist and the author of "Write Winger: Solutions for the Politically Oblique."

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