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03/28/2003 Archived Entry: "dealing with peaceniks"

THIS EVEN WORKS IN VERMONT

Dealing with Peaceniks

When you are confronted by an anti-war protester, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1.) Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation, if necessary, and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2.) In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3.) When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4.) Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5.) Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6.) As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.

7.) Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid an argument he/she is making.

cb

Replies: 4 comments

ouch ... trouble with your recipe, cb, is if it falls under a law-abiding constitution, usuallly it's illegal to punch a person in the nose intentionally. if this takes place on American soil, even in Vermont, it's not really allowed to physically hurt someone because they hold and lecture you on a different view.

so your first rule is great, but before punching them square in the nose, i would recommend you make your physical contact look more accidental, say like knocking the person's glasses off and going 'oops, sorry about that', or swipe at the hat (they almost always have one) and knock it to the ground and then kick it away as the person tries to pick it back up, then say you're just doing it for kicks, or tug at the backpack (they almost always have one of these, too), real real hard, like the protester was a limp scarecrow, then raise your hands in the air in a manner that declares you are innocent of any wrongdoing, 'hey, it wasn't me.' hockey players do this all the time.

and then if the anti-war-rior wants to retaliate, your rules for etiquette come into play more effectively. because if the protester, the one lecturing you on how violence begets violence, throws a punch, well, i can't imagine there's anything more satisfying than breaking the nose of a raging neopacifist _legally_.

s.

Posted by Steve Lendt @ 03/28/2003 03:59 PM EST

I agree that the punching step may be a bit premature. I had a protester spit on me once when I was in uniform. I punched him in the nose. The cop standing nearby declared it self-defense because the nut had assaulted me first.

Posted by cb @ 03/28/2003 04:04 PM EST

There's something to be said for breaking the nose of a raging neopacifist illegally as well.

Ok Steve...calm down. You had a little too much tonight...next time only two meatball subs for dinner.

Posted by Steve Martinovich @ 03/28/2003 07:24 PM EST

that's good news, cb. that added a nice touch to my day. a self-defense punch against a protester. gives me hope, that does.

and steve, i know what you're saying, an illegal punch counts for something too. i wanted to include that in my commentary but then i thought i might spoil the message; a legal beating is still the best kind.

i say that to myself a lot because, to be honest, i have a hard time calming down these days. i've had to stop hanging around certain friends because i'm just a little bit edgier, a little bit more likely to express my passion for my point of view, not just my point of view. it's getting harder to listen to lesser evils arguments and conspiratorial evidence. i feel like i really want to take someone on, like i want to start something and forget about civility for a little while. oh well, maybe in my case, it's the supplements i've started taking. i'm getting more energy out of them, i think. i'm trying a greens+, enzymes, oils, and yeast supplement diet. i've stopped smoking tobacco ... again. so i'm getting to be a cleaner machine these days. and cleaner machines get better mileage. where am i going with this? oh yeah, i'm definitely in a more excited state these days, and neopacifists can't seem to respect that. too busy with the soapbox, i expect. too much desire to be the centre of attention. and me, too willing to oblige them. sock! bam! pow!

s.

Posted by Steve Lendt @ 03/29/2003 12:38 PM EST