[Previous entry: "morse vs. frank"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "Bill Clinton on Bush uranium line: 'Everybody makes mistakes'"]

07/23/2003 Archived Entry: "Satan hails new additions to Hell"

PRESS RELEASE

Satan hails new additions to Hell

Hell, July 23, 2003 - Satan, Master of Hell, today hailed the latest additions to his organization, Uday and Quasay Hussein. The sons of Saddam Hussein, late of the plane of Earth, recently joined Hell after leaving positions in Iraq's government due to a management change.

"While it's true that the skill set that the Hussein brothers bring to Hell is already well represented," said Satan, "We believe that Hell's core mission demanded that they be included in the workforce."

Satan states that the brothers will be required to undergo a lengthy orientation process to prepare them for their new positions. The brothers (bios are included in the attachment to this statement) will work their way down the various levels of Hell, from Purgatory to Cocytus, until they have been qualified in the unique work that the organization carries out. The standard length of training, which the organization defines as unending torment in a lake of burning fire, generally runs eternity.

Satan also states that he has not decided on a permanent set of positions for the Hussein brothers, adding that he would likely take his inspiration from the Koran. Quoting al-kahf 18:28-30, Satan stated, "For the wrongdoers We have prepared a fire which will encompass them like the walls of a pavilion. When they cry out for help they shall be showered with water as hot as molten brass, which will scald their faces. Evil shall be their drink, dismal their resting-place."

"It's been a good year for us on the recruitment front, one that we believe can only improve. We hope to add Idi Amin to the team in the near future," concluded Satan.

For further comments or to arrange an interview please contact Joseph Goebbels, Director of Public Relations.

------------
This news release may include statements about expected future events that are forward-looking in nature and subject to risks and uncertainties. Future events and results may vary substantially from what Hell currently foresees.