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Levi Johnston, do kiss and tell!

By Krystle Nicole Russin
web posted January 4, 2010

A college degree seems to be worth as much as discount holiday toilet paper these days. Really, had I been having children out of wedlock with high power political offspring, I would be attracting national media attention weekly, possibly on the way to permanent career-making stardom. Sadly, no. I chose journalism. Sigh.

Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin
Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin in happier days

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Levi Johnston. Levi, meet -- oh wait, in the throes of your publicity seeking ways, I believe you've already met us as the young man hailing from Alaska, hoping to build a career on the basis of "I'm ridiculously hot and had a child with Sarah Palin's daughter." Note how we can name Palin and Johnston without much thought but struggle at remembering the daughter's name. That, right there, is the ultimate result of PR done well.

Secrets! Scandal! Every so often, we are subjected to his romance novel worthy, intimate details. Palin wanted the child to remain a secret! Animosity lives, as the two will never reconcile! Oh, the Gossip Girl: Wasilla Edition drama! Whether his side, or hers for that matter, is valid isn't important to us. Sometime in 2010, Johnston will turn his true story into a salacious romance novel. If necessary, I believe he can, using his Playgirl centerfold experience, pose for its sultry cover, complete with Alaskan mountains in the background as the firewood burns in the outdoor twilight. Hold it. Is this a joke?

Absolutely not. In November, The New York Daily News reported that Johnston is duelling off Palin's Going Rogue with his own memoir, which he hopes to turn into a feature film starring himself. I highly suggest he go the Eddie Murphy route of donning wigs, makeup and prosthetic gear to also play Sarah and Bristol Palin, but that's just my opinion. This is his plan, in addition to more photo shoots and finding a girlfriend "when the time comes," he says.

Where did this all happen? Why is a high school dropout studying to be an electrician taking over the media and walking red carpets? We shall travel back to the beginning. During the 2008 campaign, Johnston's presence became known at the Republican Convention, as he sat quietly, political brochure couples style, with his then-pregnant fiance. Everything was happy until he broke the engagement in March of last year, spiralling into a series of tell all interviews -- to which Palin immediately responded, for the sake of seeking to set the record straight, stretch her post-campaign 15 minutes, gear up for running for president or some combination of that. According to liberals, she is a scheming woman aimed at the presidency with her plastic nails sharpened in case of attack. FYI, don't forget about the pocketknife hidden in her updo.

This itself launched questions of Sarah Palin's family abstinence teachings. People across the country pretty much blamed her for having a sexual relationship with Levi Johnston. Allow me to explain. Their hookup went down like this. Palin removed her glasses, shook that beehive out in slow motion, Charlie's Angels style and -- wait. She didn't have sex with him. It was her daughter, her daughter's choice alone. I have a message for you, Palin bashers. Take a look at your own lives' worth of crummy decisions and tell me now: were your parents at fault for smoking a joint, having drunken, random sex, Googling pornography? The answer is no. You made those mistakes. Besides, if I was in Bristol Palin's position (pun intended), I would have done the same thing if a guy that handsome walked in the bedroom. He seemed genuinely adorable, charming before his media blitz.

Last month, the former Alaskan governor appeared on Oprah Winfrey, appearing anxious yet calm as the host asked her the question we all want to know and she wants to avoid: will Johnston be invited over for Thanksgiving dinner? If my grandson's father spilled personal details to the media like that, I know my answer would have been, "Yes, of course! After our meal though, I will leave him outside my house in cold Alaskan weather, piles of raw steak surrounding him until bears are done mauling his remains." But, of course, she had to show a respectful attitude.

Well, well, well. What is going to happen at the end of today's episode in political soap drama land? Only time will tell. We have to wonder how many girls in the future might question a relationship with Johnston. You can never, ever trust a gossipmonger who kisses and tells, whether it's about you, your relationship or family. Sarah Palin's book will probably sell millions of copies to her legions of fans who could care less what the media says about her, so let them keep running whatever negativity they feel is needed on airtime. As for me, the writer of this piece, I have a special request for Mr. Johnston. When you're done with your publicity tour, call me. I always had a thing for the bad boy, doe-eyed, brown-haired, athletic boy next door type and you nicely fit the bill. Pretty please? I might allow you to spill the personal details in USA Today... ESR

Krystle Nicole Russin is a model and print/television journalist. She has been interviewing politicians and newsmakers for publications since she was 13.

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