Why liberals are such a bore
By Scott Shore
web posted May 12, 2003
ESR's house comedian Dennis Miller |
Have you ever tried to "lighten up" around liberals? It's about
as easy as getting loud guffaws from a group of 17th century Calvinists.
They are the living embodiments of Dana Carvey's famous character, "the
Church lady." I seriously wonder if any group of people have ever taken
themselves so seriously as American liberals since the Inquisition. I recently
did a Internet search for Dennis Miller's latest comments on Iraq, the Europeans,
President Bush, North Korea and the babbling Senator Robert Byrd from West
Virginia. One of the better list of quotations was on a site that had a picture
of Dennis Miller with a Swastika behind him and the question: "Comedian
or Fascist -- You Decide."
The problem with these people is that they are so certain that they are
always right and that the rest of us poor bumpkins have either deep character
flaws, mental retardation or are closet "Brown Shirts" who secretly
celebrate Adolf's birthday every year. The list of "unfunny", "politically
incorrect" subjects has grown to include just about everything the weather
-- and even then they are likely to segue into a discussion of global warming.
The reason why there will never be a popular "liberal talk radio" station
is that there's nothing funny or entertaining or satirical that liberals
can say. In an era in which big government and monopolized social services
are well entrenched, liberals are defending the establishment. By definition,
conservatives are going to be the people who pop the bubbles of pretension
and self-righteousness of the establishment.
Liberals are like the plump matron who is always outraged and eventually
gets a pie in the face from Groucho Marx. I personally would like to see
some kind of gag order on Jimmy Carter so I don't have to hear his self-righteous
bunk and condescending smile every time the President takes an initiative.
Carter apparently speaks directly with the Almighty prior to his public declarations.
Conservatives exist to keep these self-appointed nannies in their place.
I once stopped a dinner party conversation dead in its tracks by saying
that I thought liberals were "mentally ill." After the gasps, I
defined mental illness as being out of touch with reality and failing to
have a feedback mechanism to alter your opinions of the objective world.
I happen to think my observation is true. When all the statistics show that
higher spending on education in the public schools is inversely related to
test scores and performance, you would think these people would reconsider
their position.
Instead, this fact only proves to them the need for greater spending and
the concept of "choice" in education is nothing short of heresy
and smack of a desire to destroy education in society (as if liberal theories
of education haven't already done that job). The problem with the War on
Poverty is that we're not spending enough. Forget the fact that spending
continues to rise at a geometric rate. Liberals have not been right on foreign
policy since the end of the Second World War. This does not prevent them
from continuing to believe that all international disputes are either our
fault or a miscommunication. Liberal politicians will always SAY they are
for a strong defense, but it just so happens that they oppose any specific
action on every occasion.
What beats the hypocrisy of Senator Byrd, the man who has spent millions
of American tax dollars to relocate or establish federal agencies and vital
projects in the sticks of West Virginia, whining about President Bush's address
to the troops aboard the USS Lincoln. I love the idea of this ex-Klanner
contrasting President Bush with the image of the simple dignity of Abraham
Lincoln at Gettysburg. Does anyone doubt that had political opinion on race
not changed so radically in America, the dottering senator from West Virginia
would be waxing poetic over Jefferson Davis? One gets the feeling that Senator
Byrd would find redeeming features to cannibals if they formed a large enough
constituency. What an incredible double standard these folks have. When the
youthful views of Trent Lott were brought up, the Democratic Party's whose
former leader was a Klansman demanded Lott's departure. Senator John Kerry,
the ultimate limousine liberal, calls for "regime change" in the
US during the midst of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He then defends his right
to make "quips." (I personally would defend that right since he
exercises it so infrequently.) Why has everyone forgotten about Jesse Jackson's "Hymietown" remarks?
Can you imagine the hue and cry if a Republicans hectored President Clinton
on his overseas adventures or if a Republican had made "quips" like
Jesse Jackson? What about Al Sharpton? As Dennis Miller says, "Somewhere
between the "S and the T" of Sharpton, we need to think about Tawana
Brawley."
Conservatives have always been funnier than liberals. There has been a tradition
going from H. L. Mencken to P. J. O'Rourke to Dennis Miller of biting satire.
Indeed one could go back further to Aristophanes' jibes at the puffed-up
seers and pretensions philosophers of Ancient Greece (Cloud Cuckooland) to
Jonathan Swift's lampooning of 18th century conventional thought. The great
Samuel Johnson was a master at skewering the utopians of his age.
Besides the fact that conservatives are the ones poking fun at the social
engineering elites that have created the current social decline of America,
there is a second reason that conservatives are inherently funnier. A sense
of humor requires some degree of awareness that certain things in this world
are not understandable and that we all have imperfect knowledge. Humor is
outrage sublimated by humility. Conservatives never claim that people can
understand everything and lack the hubris to believe that society or the
government can perfect the world. Where liberals see intractable problems
that must be solved by a government program, a conservative is more likely
to see irony.
With all of the above in mind, I think it's worth quoting some of the better
gems of Dennis Miller in recent weeks:
On Norman Mailer:
"…as Mr. Mailer's prostate gradually supplants his ego as the
largest gland in his body, he's going to have to realize, as is the case
with all young lions who inevitably morph into Bert Lahr, that his alleged
profundities are now being perceived as the early predictors of dementia."
On Bill Clinton:
"Clinton's the sort of guy who'll always volunteer to help you move,
then when you've got for of ya picking up the sofa, he's the one fake lifting."
On John Edwards presidential race:
"I think lawyers are screwing this country up, and I'm afraid that
if Edward s gets in there, he might just end up suing other countries. 'Mr.
Hussein, you have been served!'"
On Gephardt:
"You know most politicians are transparent and Gephardt is translucent
actually."
On the French:
"The only way the French are going to go in (to fight Saddam) is if
we tell them we found truffles in Iraq…The French are always reticent
to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more willing to surrender
to the wishes of their enemies. The French are in the ****-buster business.
Why do you think the only French most people know is "Au Contraire… These
guys have always been a problem…they take off work nationally on the
day they invented Bernaise."
On the Germans:
"Do you think that the country that last hatched Hitler is even willing
to concede the existence of the new? They're trying to keep that down. I
assume most Germans everyday when they wake up their waking thought is 'Wow,
hope that Hitler thing was a bad dream' And then they put the coffee machine
on to remind them that it wasn't and they spend the rest of the day being
pissed off that people know they're idiots. The only thing the Germans ever
gave their blessing to is sneezes…"
The last line reminded me of the line by Fran Lebowitz that "the French
are Germans with good food."
On North Korea:
"What's with that hair? (speaking of dictator Kim Jong Il). He's like
a Chia dictator. I hope one day when somebody eventually blows that head
off they have the good sense to bring it home in a jar because I know I'd
pay a nickel to go see it in a tent show somewhere."
On "politically correct" educational theories: "We've got
too much BS educational happy-talk by the liberals in this country. They
don't want to grade. They don't want to call anybody to the carpet, they
give you that stuff 'Oh, come on forget about grades, D's are just B's without
their belt on!' The next thing you know, you're forty years old in a paper
hat, going 'You want something to brink with that Dig Mac?"
On fighting terrorists:
"If you put the Guantanamo Bay terrorist prison outside of Kabul it
would be their Epcot…I say we create a new airline, called the ACLA,
the American Civil Liberties Airline where you don't check anybody, you don't
ask questions and let those morons fly on that one"
Whether you like Dennis Miller's humor or not, is there anybody on the left
that can speak straight? Is there any group that liberals are not afraid
of offending? You know the Democrats have lost it when they become nervous
about attacking pedophiles. Republicans can only take pleasure as the Democrats
move more and more to the left. With Daschle and Pelosi as their leaders,
the Democrats can be sure to continue their crusade into madness.
As the liberals get shriller, more Americans will begin to tune them out.
After a while their mantras become tiresome and, well, boring. They don't
make good dinner guests.
Scott Shore is a consultant, executive coach and a political writer in Providence,
RI.
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