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My bike is a car

By Jorn K. Baltzersen
web posted July 3, 2006

Gays and lesbians want to be included in the institution of marriage. Legislatures say: why not? After all, why should they not have the right to redefine any institution at whim? After all, they are the popular representatives, and popular sovereignty cannot have any limits.

I too say: why not? But I have another problem. I don't have a car. Well, we'll see about that. It only depends on definitions. My bike is a car. Why should I not be able to say my bike is a car, and demand everyone respect this? It's discrimination that my means of transportation is not a car. It would hurt my feelings if I could not call this a car. By the way, Norway – along with Denmark – has an extreme level of car taxation. When you buy a new car, there roughly is a 100 % tax. First you pay what the car costs. Then you pay roughly the same amount to the government. What an incentive for the government to put an end to the horrendous discrimination between bikes and cars, not to speak of the discrimination between car owners and bike owners. This discrimination is awful. Just think of how those who cannot afford cars have their feelings hurt. This discrimination must end. By the way, the new car owners must be honored to be allowed to pay car taxation.

Did I mention that my means of transportation – oh, sorry, I meant my car – has four wheels and room for 4-5 persons, just like any standard sedan? It does!

Of course, my neighbor's cat is a dog. Why should these poor cats be subject to this discrimination that they are not dogs? Why should my neighbor be subject to this discrimination? It's terrible. We can't have this kind of discrimination! Dogs typically help their owners in handling threatening strangers. Think of this awful discrimination of my neighbor. My neighbor's cat is a dog. By the way, more dog taxation is on the way.

Furthermore, what's this discrimination that an unmarried man who lives with his girlfriend or an unmarried woman who lives with her boyfriend does not have in-laws? But hey! Don't let it stop at whether they live together. Not to speak of gays and lesbians who do live or do not live with their boyfriends and girlfriends. Stop this dreadful discrimination that only married heterosexual couples have in-laws. That goes for terms as wife, husband, widow, widower, grass widow, and grass widower as well. By the way, why can't a man be a grass widow? Stop all this sexual discrimination. Some reactionaries complain about “confusion” of these terms. Lock these reactionaries up!

A guy can call himself Prince, and he is a prince. And what he produces is music. Don't even dare to suggest otherwise. War is peace, and democracy is liberty. Modern democracy is limited government. Democracy is government of laws, not of men. Collectivism is individualism. Rights are government whim. What is right is what the majority wills. Did I mention that water is money? Well, it is!

The Parliament may declare that the sun is never to set – literally speaking, as well as in people's lives. And if Parliament so declares, it is of course so. Do you doubt that? Shame on you! You are denying parliamentary sovereignty? Also, think of all those Norwegians who don't have the midnight sun. That's discrimination. Everyone should have the midnight sun. And they should have the midnight sun, figuratively speaking, in their lives as well. No good-spirited person can deny everyone's right to that. No good-spirited person can deny that it is Parliament's duty to pass a law so the sun never sets. Parliament should see to it that everyone has a happy life.

So it too is with the People's Congress of the United States of America. Think about it. Isn't it awfully discriminating that people in northern Alaska can have the midnight sun? Let all of the United States have the midnight sun. Of course, all of the United States should have Florida or Hawaii climate as well. Let the People's Congress of the United States of America pass a law to make it so. No reasonable person can be opposed to this.

We have redistribution of economic means. Why can't we have redistribution of nature? Demolish the mountains and fill the valleys. Redistribute people's life spans. It is not fair that someone lives longer than others. Redistribute people's time. It shouldn't be so that someone has more happy moments than others. Let the People's Congress pass a law. Let the People's Parliament pass a law.

Think, moreover, of all those who don't get the meaning of certain terms. Let's redefine them or make the definitions inclusive. The important thing is that these people's feelings aren't hurt.

There is no gravity, it all depends on the definition of is, and the moon is a green cheese, which you can eat and have too.

Please feel free to congratulate me as a car owner.

J.K. Baltzersen is a senior consultant of information technology in Oslo, Norway. A selection of his articles are available here.

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