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Dear Dr. Progressive
web posted September 10, 2001
Confused and liberal? Send your questions to the good doctor at firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Dr. Progressive:
I am 37. In the past 15 years I have marched on Washington, donated my student loan money to the Rainbow Coalition, and divorced my wife as not to be guilty of a bourgeoisie marriage. My wife wore a Black gown at our wedding to protest the idea of white being pure. We have done all this to stamp out racism. Imagine how upset we were when we saw that our two-year old daughter is afraid of the Dark!!
Ever since her birth we have read to her from the Communist Manifesto, bought her a Black kitten instead of a white one, and even painted the white walls of her room Black. Even worse she is excellent at hiding her racism, because she plays happily with Black children at the Marion Barry Headstart Facility.
We have tried to educate her by showing her videos of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech, but she is so indifferent to the plight of Blacks that she asks to Mr. Rogers instead! What could we have done to make her choose a white European male over a Black leader? How can we destroy such stubborn racism? We are thinking of giving her up for adoption.
Vladimir (aka Dave)
If you want to be a good little Leftist stop teaching your daughter anything good about Martin Luther King Jr. He was a far thing from being a Leftist, let alone from being a bad man. He was a man of fairness and integrity. He spoke out for equality of all people, and his stand on civil rights was noble. He was unlike the present civil rights leaders like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton that demonize whitey. That is whom you should promote if you want to be a good little Leftist.
Besides that, you are doing a good job. Yes, perhaps give your daughter up for adoption. Preferably to two lesbians. That would be very politically correct.
Dear Dr. Progressive,
I am tired of this life and just want to go to die and go heaven. But I am not sure if I will go there when I die. I hear that the suicide bombers in Israel believe they will go straight to heaven. Apparently their religion teaches them this. Is it possible that their religion is telling the truth?
If so, should I strap myself with bombs and go to a public place and blow myself up along with innocent women and children? Will this get me to heaven? Why does God like this? I am confused.
First of all, if you want to be a good Leftist stop talking about God and heaven. You are supposed to be an atheist you idiot. And whatever you do, do not do what the suicide bombers do. That is very very wrong, and I don't care whether you want to be a Leftist or not. In any case, the chances are very very high that you will not go to heaven if you do this. I strongly suggest that you join a local chapter of the Trotskyist society.
Dear Dr. Progressive,
I am a Leftist who is almost at my wits end. I simply can't find a girlfriend. I am already a 38 year old male and I can't find a girl that will agree with me about Marxism-Leninism. Although I am a Leninist, I am not a Marxist. No matter how much I have tried to explain this to socialist women I know, they keep disagreeing with me about little technicalities and little insignificant little details. How can I get them to agree? How can I get them to just shut up and listen? What do I do? Should I just give up?
You are definitely washed up.
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