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All the jihadi news fit to distort

By Greg Strange
web posted October 10, 2005

Like something out of an absurd "Saturday Night Live" skit designed to elicit belly laughs from a modern, cynically savvy audience, al-Qaida recently debuted its first video "newscast" over the Internet. Funny thing is, it wasn't actually trying to be funny. Calling itself the "Voice of the Caliphate," it featured an "anchorman" who wore a black ski mask asend nd an ammunition belt. Near his right hand was a copy of the Koran and there was a rifle affixed to a tripod pointing at the camera.

In most conventional newscasts such menacing accouterments and unflattering garb would be no-no's, but this broadcast wasn't being run on the basis of advice from slick media consultants or focus group research. This was al-Qaida (purportedly, we should note), raw and uncensored, reaching out to the jihadi faithful via the wonders of infidel technology.

Even the folks at al-Jazeera who have faithfully served as al-Qaida's journalistic apologists, had to be laughing at the absurdity of this insane broadcast. Despite psychological defense mechanisms such as denial and cognitive dissonance, the question simply has to pass through their minds: Can a culture or a civilization that spawns something this unintentionally absurd and self-destructive possibly make it in a modern, globally competitive 21st century world or is it doomed to extinction as surely as was the dodo bird?

It is truly one of the towering questions of our time. In any event, broadcasting to the world live via infidel technology, a new era of broadcast journalism has been born. Let's look at a few choice excerpts from the divinely-inspired 16-minute broadcast.

The Global Media Front presents to you: "Sout Al-Khalifa" (The Voice of the Caliphate). In the name of Allah, the merciful, the compassionate. The headlines of this news summary: Gaza has been liberated -- a great victory, yet a weighty responsibility. In Iraq, Abu Mus'ab Al-Zarqawi declares a war of Sunni Vengeance, and Hurricane Katrina is the beginning of the divine, just punishment.

Apparently, the Voice of the Caliphate isn't fully clued in to the journalistic concept of accuracy. A "great victory in Gaza?" Here's a more accurate newsflash. The "great victory in Gaza" was nothing of the sort. Israel wasn't defeated in battle or driven out, it simply decided that it wasn't worth the trouble to hang on to the contentious, 146-square-mile chunk of terrorist terrain it had held since the '67 war. But if al-Qaida wants to persist in calling this a "great victory," then let's extrapolate into the future a bit to see how long it might take to free all Muslim lands from Zionist occupation.

Given that it took 38 years to liberate an area of 146 square miles (which, to put it into perspective, is roughly one eighth the size of Rhode Island), then at that rate of liberation the Golan Heights, the West Bank and, of course, the ultimate prize of Israel itself, will all be in Arab hands in approximately 2,800 years or thereabouts.

So, while the rest of humanity will have expanded its scientific knowledge at an exponential rate and in 2,800 years will be zipping around the galaxy like the Jetsons, the Flintstonian jihadists will have finally regained control of about 11,000 square miles of sacred sand, Allah willing. But anyway, congratulations, guys. We're all sure you're going to do great things with the newly "liberated" Gaza Strip.

In other news:

The entire Islamic world overflowed with joy when Hurricane Katrina struck in America, which seemed to reel from the strength of the hurricane . . . Broken and completely humiliated, George Bush . . . announced his obvious incapability to deal with the wrath of Allah that visited the city of homosexuals.

This really gets confusing. Did Allah trash New Orleans in order to humiliate the Great Satan America, or to humiliate George Bush for invading a Muslim country, or because New Orleans is crawling with iniquitous homosexuals, or all of the above? I didn't even know New Orleans was the "city of homosexuals," did you? I thought it was the city of jazz, Mardi Gras and Creole cuisine. Granted, no one should be surprised to see a few flamboyant types sashaying around the French Quarter, but this appellation of the "city of homosexuals" is new. Perhaps to al-Qaida's way of thinking, any city where homosexuals live openly without fear of execution is a "city of homosexuals."

In other weather related news:

While Louisiana is trying to recover from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, another hurricane fiercely struck the state of North Carolina . . . but so far there have been no casualties or significant damage . . . We hope that Allah will humiliate America with this hurricane to make it a lesson for whoever wants to listen.

I guess Allah was feeling especially merciful and compassionate that day since America wasn't particularly humiliated. And why not? He's got all the time in the world to destroy all the infidels, so what's the hurry? True believers must be a patient lot after these 14 centuries of Islam, serene in the faith that, even though much of the Islamic world continues to fall further and further behind the rest of humanity's progress, it's all part of Allah's unfathomable but glorious plan. Whatever floats their boat.

Turning to news from the front lines:

We now move on to the occupied land, to the land of the Caliphate, the glorious land of Iraq. The American wolves have desecrated our women's honor in Tel'afar and other Sunni cities . . . The valiant hero, the Emir of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Mus'ab Al-Zarqawi, rose to defend the honor of the pure Muslim women in the robbed land of Iraq.

Is this really what it's all about for the "valiant hero" Zarqawi, defending the "honor of the pure Muslim women?" How many pure Muslim women out there would consider it a bargain to be under the sway of this psycho who chops off heads and sends suicide bombers to blow up children? How many pure Muslim women want to live under the rule of the fundamentalist caliphate that Zarqawi dreams about wherein a female dog would be safer from abuse than a female human?

That's enough "Voice of the Caliphate" lowlights for now. The world has been promised weekly broadcasts from now on, until, presumably, all Muslim lands have been liberated, and perhaps even until all lands everywhere else have been converted. Or until they're put out of business for good. Until one of those occurs, it's going to be all jihadi buncombe all the time. Pray for success in Iraq because without it, the Middle East only gets worse and this is what we'll be putting up with for a very long time to come.

Greg Strange's web site can be found at http://www.greg-strange.com. (c) 2005 Greg Strange.

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